


Sunsets Fade (Love Does Too)

by alexandeer



Series: The Potter-Snape-Evans-Lupin Family [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Divorce, Gen, Miscarriage, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 18:38:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18474775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexandeer/pseuds/alexandeer
Summary: Lily and James don't know how to love each other anymore





	Sunsets Fade (Love Does Too)

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a cute and happy series and then this happened, oops? In my defense, I feel like it would make sense for Lily and James to have a fuckload of trauma. 
> 
> Warning for mentions of miscarriage and references to alcoholism and trauma. 
> 
> I normally say happy reading but uhm I kinda cried while writing this so..........

Lily sat by the lake. Another school year had come to an end and she felt like she should be rejoicing about spending the entire summer with her husband and her son. But, instead of hurrying to pack, she was hiding from prying eyes and talking to the mermaids and the squid. At least if they called her ungrateful and foolish, she wouldn’t be able to tell. 

In Hogwarts she could keep herself busy and pretend absolutely nothing was wrong. She could act like her family hadn’t been attacked. She could pretend she wasn’t still absolutely terrified of something like that occurring again and that she wasn’t so damn lonely. With the distance she could pretend her marriage wasn’t crumbling apart either. 

She sighed and pushed herself up, ignoring the way her legs ached when she put too much pressure on them. Another remnant from Voldemort’s attack. Lily always felt like it wasn’t something she should be complaining about, because weren’t she and James so lucky to be alive? Lucky that Harry’s accidental magic had been strong enough to shield them all, lucky she didn’t have to watch her baby boy die, lucky Severus had arrived before she had to watch her husband bleed to death. Lucky she only lost one child instead of two. 

She hated that people still thanked her. It had been three years since the most traumatising day of her life. She hadn’t even done a damn thing which was the most terrifying part of the whole damn mess. Someone had attacked her and her family and there wasn’t a fucking thing she could do to save them. 

Lily hated how everyone assumed things were picture perfect when in reality James was terrified of letting Harry out of his sight and Lily was terrified to go home. She was certain she drank a little bit too much a little too often, just to dull the ache and sleep at night. People didn’t really notice her issues, because when they thought of an alcoholic they usually pictured Trelawney. They didn’t think of Lily who seemed to have her shit together, no one noticed it was all a mask. 

Maybe, she realised, she was afraid to go home because she was afraid to take of her mask and actually face herself. Going home meant that she had to admit she was no longer someone she felt proud to be. That she had become everything she didn’t want to expose Harry to. It was heartbreaking to admit that she felt like her own child couldn’t be proud of her. It made her feel ashamed and like a massive failure. Like she was as horrible as her sister had always said she was. 

She noticed she had begun to cry and furiously wiped away her tears. She didn’t want to feel weak or at least not weaker than she already felt. She feared that once she allowed her tears to flow freely, they would never stop. She had barely let a single tear escape since the night of the attack. 

Lily sat by the lake for three more hours before she apparated home and that was only after Severus had convinced her to. 

 

James greeted her in the doorway and Harry ran up to her to hug her tightly with the widest, brightest face lighting up his face and Lily felt so incredibly guilty. How the hell could she not want to be here?

The next few weeks were odd. Whenever Lily and James were around Harry they could put up a front and pretend things were okay, though she didn’t think they were actually fooling their son. Things were just so much worse when they were alone. They didn’t even fight anymore. Perhaps that was the worst part… After everything they’d been through they were scared to get mad at eachother, because what if it was the last thing they said? 

So, instead, they barely spoke at all. The silence weighing down heavily upon them, the magnitude of all the things they needed to talk crushing them. Lily knew there were things that needed to be said but she wasn’t sure how to say them. 

About 3 and a half weeks into her Summer break, Lily couldn’t take it anymore. The more she watched James try, the guiltier she felt. She wished she knew how to be the girl he fell in love with again, but she was barely a shell of the person she used to be. Her past self was something she knew she would never be like anymore. She couldn’t be that carefree, not with the amount of fear she felt every single day. 

“I think we need to talk. Really talk,” Lily said softly, unable to fight her tears now. 

“We should, shouldn’t we?” James smiled sadly, “We’ve been trying to postpone the inevitable for too long. I suppose I’ve been scared of being the first to let go, of being the first to say this isn’t working anymore.” His eyes were teary and his usual confidence was gone. Had been gone for awhile now, Lily realised. 

“We have,” She replied, “I’m sorry. I think I was afraid too, to let go.” 

“I’m sorry too, Lils.” James said, tears had begun to stream down his face and all Lily could see was a man who was as broken as she was. “Should we ask someone to look after Harry?” He asked. 

Lily nodded, “I’ll ask Severus?” She suggested.

James nodded his consent and grabbed some of Harry’s toys and his favourite blanket. 

 

Severus picked up Harry an hour later. James had a hard time letting go of his sun normally but trusted Severus for reasons he did not want to consider. Tonight his attention needed to be on Lily. He knew he could not save their marriage but he hoped he could at least save their friendship. 

Once Severus and Harry had left, they sat down on the couch. Lily opened a bottle of wine and drank straight from the bottle. She needed it, she told herself. To give herself some courage or perhaps just to numb the pain. This was not what she pictured her life would be like at 25. 

“I’ve spend so much time chasing you…” James said, “I thought it would never ever change but lately, lately we haven’t even been going through the motions. We’ve just been silent.” 

“I don’t know how to become angry at you anymore, because I’m terrified something like that night will happen again. It does every night in my nightmares, it’s like that motherfucker is haunting me.” Lily admitted and let out a sob, “I’m too afraid to allow myself to actually feel things. After we lost our baby girl, our little Rosa...I just can’t stop hurting,” Lily let out another sob, “I blocked all my feelings because I can’t go through that again.” 

“I’m terrified too, Lils, so damn terrified. I can barely cope with letting Harry go out of my sight because what if someone comes back and succeeds this time?” James sounded so fragile, it shattered Lily’s heart. 

She bit her lip, “I don’t know how to be what you need.” She whispered. 

“I don’t know how to be what you need either.” James replied softly, “It’s like we are different people now and I don’t know how to handle it.”

“I don’t know either,” Lily cried, “I don’t know anything these days.” She shook her head, “I love you but I don’t know how to be in love with you anymore. Or with anyone, really.” 

James wrapped his arms around her, “It’s okay,” He said gently, “We can still be friends. We’ll be okay in the end. I’m not sure I’m still in love with you too. I love who you used to be, so fucking much, but I cannot expect you to be who you used to be when I’m not who I once was either.” He admitted. “At the end of the day, Harry’s well-being is the only thing I care about.” 

“And us being together stopped being good for him a long time ago,” Lily sighed, “I’m going to become a better mum, I need to, he deserves it so so much.” She smiled sadly, “Us being friends is what he needs. Not us avoiding each other because we don’t know how to talk.” 

“We’ll make things right for him, we will be the parents he needs again.” James promised. 

They wanted to give Harry everything he could ever need and they loved him with all their hearts, even if they no longer loved each other that way. Their love for their son would never change.

**Author's Note:**

> I have more written for this series, so if you are interested let me know! I wrote them all by hand so if people are interested I will type some more out :)


End file.
